Looking Under the Hood

I’ve been going over in my head the dilemma of how I should approach these online dating blog posts with humor and witty banter while not being mean or judgmental. And then I decided that that can’t be done. So let’s just have a little good-natured fun with my massive superiority complex firmly in check, shall we?

I think my favorite aspect of online dating is the profiles written by women who are truly delusional about the whole thing. Take, for example, the women who say they “won’t settle” this time right in their headline. Please. They might as well put on the their headline “I’ve been screwed over by men many times in my life to the point where I’ve decided to set quite unreasonably high expectations for my perfect man and will probably be alone the rest of my adult life.”

This mode of thinking takes many manifestations. Take this for example:

“don’t waste my time. make me laugh. speak intelligently. have a passion for something. be a culinary adventurer. know something about music. enjoy looking at art. need to be alone sometimes. live life.”

This is clearly either a woman who has done this a few times and is frustrated with the process, or is a dominatrix that likes to round out the evening of Biaggi’s and a chick flick with a little S & M.

One might gather that another of these profiles belongs to a woman who has been through the online dating ringer too. Or she’s just a really high-powered professional very focused on her career. That, or she really has a bone to pick with, um, well, people in general.

“I am a professional, career-minded woman with a great sense of humor; a good mix of serious and goofy, compassionate and caring, loyal and respectful, open-minded, independent and a resourceful person. I have been in serious relationships but have never married. I don’t have kids, other than my furkids, which I love very much. Whoever I end up with must love dogs, as they will always be a big part of my life.”

Starts out promising, but anybody who refers to their dogs as their “furkids” just plummeted in my “I take you seriously”-o-meter.

“I have focused so much of my life on my career that now I want to be able to travel and enjoy my freedom. I enjoy being the fun Aunt that gets to spoil the kids and then go home to my own life at the end of the day. I just turned 39 but look younger than my age.”

Hm. I turn 39 in December. And though I suffer brief spats of self-consciousness, I look like, well, like I will turn 39 in December. As King George Carlin said “People always say ‘I’m getting older.’ Bullshit. I’m getting old and that’s okay!” I mean, the statement starts out promising, hard-working woman makes good on her commitments and deserves the fruits of her labor. But the whole “gets to spoil kids and then go home” thing? Well, I’ve have heard people say that. People who are grandparents. And being my age, whenever I start complaining about how hard I’m working this week, people with children get this look in their eyes like “Screw you buddy, you get to go home at the end of the day. I’m in this for life.” Thus, no matter how hard I am working and how strung out I may feel, I’ve learned to check my bitching at the door. Because people with kids always have it worse. Always.

Someone with a terrific sense of humor (I love to laugh)”

We’ve talked about this, right?

“Someone that has their own interests but can also share in some of mine.”

Notice she says nothing about her participating in her mate’s interests. Error of omission, but still there. But the following is the meat of the profile right here. I kind of just want to pull her aside and tell her she’s talking about what she desires in a potential man. She’s not detailing a car.

“Here is a list of things that turn me off: *smoking (nonnegotiable) *multiple tattoos (especially ones that can’t be covered up) *facial hair (a little is ok, but I really don’t like full beards and mustaches) *conceited or arrogant people *pushy or overly aggressive *men just looking for a quick hook-up (barking up wrong tree here, so if this is you, move on) Also, if it looks like you could be mistaken for my father, I am not interested. I’d prefer to stay within 5-7 years of my age range as I feel like I have the most in common with this group. There are always outliers, but this is a strong preference.”

And here’s the kicker.

“I’ve written novels on here before but most people don’t really read them, so if you want to know more about me and what I’m looking for, please send an email. If I think we have something in common and have mutual interest, I’ll email back. It may take me a few days to write back, as I am very busy at work right now.”

Okay, first, maybe they do really read them and that’s why you’re still searching. And of course, there is the requisite “Just ask!” invitation because most guys don’t have much better to do than worm their way through the labyrinth of meeting your criteria. And if they do, well, you’re just gonna have to wait it out, buster. Because she’s busy, got it?

I knew when I started this that it was a very different world than when I tried online dating the first time. What I have to constantly remind myself than the online dating world is really no different than meeting people in other social spheres. 80% of the people I meet I just plain don’t click with for any number of reasons. That other 20% is the well I am drawing from and while I do have the benefit of selective reasoning in determining which of that 20% I may have potential with, that is still only an estimate and it behooves me to keep an open mind and remember this is love that I’m looking for and a few quirky differences is probably going to make for great conversation at least. I’m not reviewing consumer indexes or interviewing for a job.

But the “furbabies” thing is non-negotiable.

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