Rock and Roll and Richards

I’ve been trying to think of a good blog post topic for like an hour since regular and consistent blog posts are what is going to keep people coming back to My Zen Brain. Honestly though, I got nothing. I keep trying to convince myself that one of the articles I’ve saved about TBI or addiction recovery is going to leap out at me crying “Andy! Andy! Pick me! Pick me!” Honestly though, I have no desire to write a post about TBI or sobriety or meditation.

I feel like writing a blog post about dead rock stars.

See, I came across this graphic on Facebook that depicted 9 different dead musicians and asked which one artist you would like to see the most. Most people said David Bowie, which is cute given that those people are all full of shit.

I mean, I understand that some people would have liked to see Bowie live, myself included. That is, until I looked Bowie up on Wikipedia. All told, Bowie is responsible for 27 studio albums, 21 live albums, 128 singles, 12 box sets and scores of EP’s, soundtracks and other albums. In fact, there’s even a listing for 68 “other albums,” whatever the hell that means.

If you asked me if I wanted to sit through a David Bowie show because there’s a slim chance he would play “Rebel Rebel” or “Under Pressure” or “Let’s Dance,” I would undoubtedly answer in the affirmative long enough to hear those tunes and duck out immediately after. A number of people answered they would choose Prince or Tupac and those people are also liars because no one is sitting through 3 hours of Prince or Tupac just so they can hear “Little Red Corvette” or “California Love.”

Honestly, the dead rock star I’d like to see the most is Keith Richards.

And I can hear the Peanut Gallery now crying out “But halt! A pox on thy house for Keith Richards hasn’t wrested loose from this mortal coil!” And that’s true and I don’t care because I am forming a whole band made up of rock stars who aren’t dead but should be. Here’s the lineup:

Lead vocals – W. Axl Rose

Lead guitar – Keith Richards

Rhythm Guitar – Paul Simon

Bass – Geddy Lee

Drums – Tommy Lee

I have seen Axl live and while it was a great show, Axl should have died before any of the other original members of G N’ R because he was arguably the most unique and therefore should have enjoyed a romantic rock ‘n’ roll death like Richie Valens or Buddy Holly. That or he should have gone out more spectacularly than anybody else in the history of rock since Guns ‘N Roses enjoyed a level of stardom with Appetite that no one ever enjoyed before or after. Axl should have gone out like John John and crashed a plane into the Swiss Alps or the Eiffel Tower. Better yet, he should have eaten a bullet at Hunter Thompsons Colorado house or been brought down by an orca on a whale watching trip in Alaska that turned deadly. What he shouldn’t have been allowed to do was wear a The Bitch is Back t-shirt while serenading me with ”Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City a few years back which, while hysterical, was hardly the stuff of legend, let alone rock legend.

The other thing I’ll say about Keith and his place on my list is I saw a documentary about him a few months back and he’s still smoking cigarettes. That alone is proof enough that Keith is actually The Highlander.

Paul Simon makes the list because Paul Simon is 162 years old and is married to Edie Brickell. Ms. Brickell rankled Henry Rollins ire on a number of occasions and since I secretly have a non-sexual crush on Henry, his wish is my command.

I don’t have any real animosity towards Getty Lee and I’m sure he is a talented musician. He is, however, also responsible for the worst song in the history of rock

and for that should bleed to death from a wound made by a rusty toenail clipper.

Tommy Lee makes the list not because I find his music terribly off-putting (although he and his Motley Crue bandmates do deserve to be slowly disemboweled with rusty farming implements.) Mr. Less makes the list because he was married to Pamela Andersen. I don’t have any real animosity for Mr. Lee, I just have a sexual crush on Ms. Anderson and therefore support Mr. Lee dying in a mysterious fishing accident involving Nicki Sixx and faulty tackle.

I debated adding many other rock stars to my band of Rock Stars Who Should be Dead but Aren’t like Ozzy and Slash and Steven Adler and Lemmy. Then I remembered that Lemmy is in fact dead and would have to be replaced by Steven Tyler who is not dead but might as well be given his band’s relevance in the last 10 years. Maybe I’ll just wait another 10 years and start a brand new reality TV show where I and the obscure remnants of once headliner bands like Izzy Strandlin and Todd La Torre and Glenn Frey hold a weekly séance to try to summon the spirit of Scott Weiland.

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