My 2007 Hyundai Sonata has a sporadic sunroof. Most days it works just fine. But when it has been raining a lot in my town, the sunroof will open just fine, but then when I push the button to close it, it closes all the way, then thinks better of its decision and opens right back up again. It’s extremely annoying. When it does this, I have to close it almost all the way, then repeatedly tap the button so it almost closes enough so, in aclement weather, just a little rain dribbles in overnight and a little strip of the carpet in front of the power outlet where cigarette lighters used to be is. Like I said, annoying, but my car is of that age where stuff just starts working quirky.
All this would become a non-issue with Brody the 7-foot tall ornery, telepathic adolescent chimp because 7-foot tall ornery, telepathic adolescent chimps cannot sit shotgun comfortably in a 2007 Hyundai Sonata. So after the second or third time watching me play tappa-tappa with the sunroof, he’d likely get impatient, get out of the car and rip it the sunroof off its tracks, toss it in the creek that runs by my building, then get back in and smack me on the side of the head to signal “Let’s go.”
I ride with my Iphone playing via Bluetooth podcasts like Sam Harris’ Making Sense or The Joe Rogan Experience or NPR’s Hidden Brain. Occasionally, I’ll play one of my Spotify Daily Mixes or sometimes I meditate while driving and thus don’t play anything. Riding with Brody would be a total crap shoot because Lord only knows what a 7-foot tall, ornery, telepathic adolescent chimp is into these days.
I’ll stop referencing Brody’s height, temperament, and psychic abilities from here on out. I at least owe you that. Besides, he might have more than one talent for all I know. Maybe the cutting-edge genetics lab would throw in clairvoyance since they have never received a request like mine before and the challenge excites them. I don’t quite know how I could parlay Brody’s soothsaying into personal gain but you can pretty much make money on YouTube doing anything these days. Don’t believe me? You should.
Brody might be a Hank Williams fan. He might be a Mozart and Bach aficionado, though that’s unlikely for an ornery chimp, regardless of their height. Hell, his interests might range from Rob Zombie to Yanni for all I know. Regardless, he would obviously get to choose but my iPhone couldn’t leave my pocket. What if I stopped to get gas and while I’m outside pumping, I forgot the phone in the car and Brody orders 200 Hawaiian pizzas for the Servants of Mary convent or sets up his own dating profile at OK Cupid? Hell, he might download and install the S.M.T.H. app. and chuck my phone over the state line and then scream with laughter like, well, like a chimp. Laughing at me. With at least self-awareness to know that O probably shouldn’t leave my iPhone 8 in the car unattended with an ornery chimp. Since Brody is handcuffed to me to prevent me from eating sweets or smoking (Though he’d probably be smoking himself, just to try and rattle me.)
Since Brody is handcuffed to me to prevent me from eating sweets or smoking (Though he’d probably be smoking himself, just to try and rattle me,) he would have to go everywhere with me. Let’s just leave what could potentially happen when I bring Brody to work with me at the residential facility for brain and spinal cord injury survivors.
For now, let’s just start with a simple trip to Wal-Mart.