Please Be Offended

After a brief but horribly offensive text exchange this morning, I realized something. My friends and family are up there with the most offensive, horribly politically incorrect people I know. It started with this iccocuous exchange.

Tim 1

No harm, no foul right? So, to check and see if I had the means to transport the chair, I texted my mom.

Mom 1

Now, my moniker for her car started years ago when I casually made an off-hand remark that I had read a very funny, harmless article that asserted that her new Subaru Forrester just happened to be the chosen vehicle of aging lesbians. I state right now that I, nor anyone I hold dear (at least I think and hope) do not have any problems, issues or are otherwise prejudiced against anyone in the LGBT community. That did not, however, sway my mother, at least at the time as she shot back, “Well, thank you for reducing me to a cultural stereotype. Jerk.”

Tim 2

At this point it started to dawn on me that since my friend new exactly what I was talking about, this issue might be pervasive in at least a select few of my friends and family. But no matter. Equally undaunting was my friend’s response.

Tim 3

Not only did it not phase him, he upped the ante more than a little. I should state right now that I, nor my friend, nor anyone else I hold dear do not have any problems, issues or are prejudiced against little people, dwarves, midgets, elves, sprites or others in the vertically challenged community.

Tim 4

Okay, that last one might seem a bit insensitive, but honestly, how many times have you wondered to yourself “Gosh, a cadaver would come in really handy right now!” ? And let’s face it, if you were to get a free chair home, only to realize that there’s a dead dwarf hidden inside. Well, come on. I mean … free dead dwarf.

Maybe I should stick to writing about drunks and addicts. There’s certainly no fodder for humor in that demographic. At least to normies. Personally, and I think I speak for the majority of drunks and addicts out there, most of us think our war stories are pretty hilarious.

God, I think I should abandon the idea of getting to the gym and get to a meeting.

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