Sex: A Layman’s Guide to Bedroom Novelty

Okay, let’s get this outta the way. I do not intend for this to be a sensual, erotic, mildly or severely dirty, or even suggestive post in any way. This is truly only meant to ridicule the author. And the only reason I’m doing that is because the following is a sampling of the text I received from one of the several online dating sites I’ve come and gone from in the last few months. The article was I believe intended to appeal to the stereotypical single person’s modest yet slightly risqué views on the realm of sex and sexuality.

Come on kids. We’re all adults here. Every one of us has this thing or that thing we like or love when it comes to romance and intimacy. But this even makes the advice columns of Cosmo read like Dickensian tragedy. This sample is like the instructions to a piece of IKEA furniture trying to pass off as a description of a Starbucks drink. So, let’s get started:

  1. If [attraction] isn’t automatically there for you, it is possible to create it, and here’s how: Find a few little things about the person that you like, and then try to feel turned on by those things, rather than the person as a whole. Such as, “Ooooh, this person has the greatest eyes, and that really gets me hot.” Your sexual feelings may grow from there.

Umm, no they won’t. In fact, it’s the reverse. Being attracted to someone isn’t about finding a few things about them you really like and forsaking the rest. “Bill is hideous, but he’s got great earlobes. We’re going out again Friday night,” said no woman ever. Likewise, “Cynthia is loud and obnoxious but man, she’s got a great set of ankles” is not something you hear around any locker room. Ever. In the history of men. Or locker rooms.

Q: Is it true that men reach their sexual peak at 18, and women at 30? If so, should younger guys look for older women, and older women look for younger guys.

A: These stats have been bandied about like crazy but have little foundation in fact. The truth is that if you define “sexual peak” by your level of sexual satisfaction, then time is on everyone’s side.

Don’t mean to burst the bubble here, but if my married friends and their stories are a good indication, and they are, time is never on your side (especially if you have kids). And again, from what I hear, at some point in the relationship, “level of sexual satisfaction” doesn’t have anything to do with “sexual peak.” It has to do with finding 17 minutes (preferably consecutive, but not mandatory) to devote to sex. As far as “peak” goes, I can only speak for the men here, but 92% of the time, “peak” refers to peak time. As in that swatch of time where libido, stamina, priority of interests and obligations, and disposable time come together like a solar eclipse.

Q:  Help! I’ve had very little sexual experience and have started dating a woman who’s very    experienced. Should I tell her my situation?

A: Confessing to your lack of experience is probably a good idea, and here’s why: If you keep mum and your performance ends up being sub-par, then she may assume that you’re bad in bed versus just inexperienced., since you come across as a nice guy who she gets all to herself. You can play up this angle by telling her it was your choice to not sleep around, explaining “I’ve had my opportunities, but I don’t like having sex with someone unless it’s serious.” This statement will make her feel like a million bucks-and you haven’t even hit the mattress yet

Okay, let’s break this one down piece by agonizing piece. “Confessing to your lack of experience is probably a good idea, and here’s why: If you keep mum and your performance ends up being sub-par, then she may assume that you’re bad in bed versus just inexperienced.”

Honesty and the quality of being forthright. So far so good.

“By telling her, you and she can work together to discover what you can do to be a great lover. She may even get a kick out of finding out you’re a sexual novice!”

This starts out with good intentions, then goes horribly wrong. Maybe there’s men far more evolved than me out there, but a woman smiling and giggling at my inexperience is on the same level as clawing off my fingernails in Buffalo Bill’s pit or changing a tire in a blizzard without a jack.

“You can play up this angle by telling her it was your choice to not sleep around, explaining “I’ve had my opportunities, but I don’t like having sex with someone unless it’s serious.”

Of course, this rules out the possibility that the man hasn’t had his opportunities for whatever reason, in which case now he’s a liar and will be forced to concoct completely fictional encounters where he was the one who threw on the brakes. Endearing? Maybe. Likely? Please. Find me a marginally normal heterosexual male who hasn’t been at least somewhat tempted to try and get some since he was about 15 years old. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

“This statement will make her feel like a million bucks!”

Or she may find the sexual role reversal appealing for about an hour, proceed to get her jollies off on the idea of having her way with her new boy toy, then decide she really isn’t “that guy” and let him down easy. Or not easy. Take your pick. Girls can suck too.

Q: How can I bring up the topic of using condoms with someone I’m dating

A: This necessary conversation can indeed be awkward to broach: Waiting until the last minute is definitely not a good idea, but dropping a “safer sex” lecture into the middle of your dinner out can kill the mood. The best time is somewhere between these two extremes-for example, while you’re making out on the couch and have pretty much decided you want to have sex with this person sometime in the future. To keep the conversation from sounding too clinical, try throwing a compliment in there, such as: “I’m really into you and am pretty sure I’d like to have sex with you at some point. If we do, we need to use condoms. O.K?”

 

Once again, let’s break it down shall we? This is where the grammar gets tricky, so stay with me. “Dropping a “safer sex” lecture in the middle of your dinner … The best time …”

Inherent in this statement is the sentiment that giving a “safer sex lecture” is okay at all. Maybe it’s me, but I like for me and my girlfriend/fiance/significant other to have talks. Lectures are given by college professors and you take notes.

“… is somewhere between these two extremes-for example, while you’re making out on the couch and have pretty much decided you want to have sex with this person sometime in the future. To keep the conversation from sounding too clinical, try throwing a compliment in there, such as: “I’m really into you and am pretty sure I’d like to have sex with you at some point.”

Wow. Okay, I appreciate the author’s attempt to not sound too clinical, but they failed miserably. Once again, maybe it’s my Y chromosome rearing its head, but I rarely think to myself that “I want to have sex with this person sometime in the future.” Usually, it’s more like “I wonder what time her roommate/children/plumber is getting here.”

“Try throwing a compliment in there, such as: “I’m really into you and am pretty sure I’d like to have sex with you at some point. If we do, we need to use condoms. O.K?”

I don’t know about you but I’m hot. Jesus, this one’s pretty simple. Buy condoms and keep’em on you. Go from there.

Q: The guy I’m dating tells me that he gets turned on by dirty talk, but I feel stupid when I try to do it. Any pointers?

A :Don’t worry; talking dirty doesn’t mean you have to start reeling off a string of four-letter words like a porn star. One easy way to get the ball rolling is to merely describe what you’re going to do to your lover right before you do it, as in, “I’m gonna unbutton your shirt now.” Or, tell your lover what to do to you, like “I want you to kiss my neck then move all the way down my body.”

I don’t mean to be a buzz kill or anything, but no, you don’t have to a use a lot of four letter words. You also shouldn’t talk to your lover like an air traffic controller trying to bring in a 757. Listen, I’m all about communication, sensitivity and even some instruction when it comes to erotica, but good God. The whole point is talking dirty. You’re not a candidate for poet laureate. You’re trying to turn’em on. Sheesh.

“To find words and expressions you’ll be comfortable using, take a peek in a copy of Penthouse Letters or a book of erotic short stories like the annual Best American Erotica anthologies. They’re filled with dirty dialogue that should give you some good ideas. The trick is to say things that turn you on-not just your partner”

This is one point me and the author can agree on. In fact, don’t just take a peak. Study them. For hours. Have a friend write you quizzes.

I’m not going to include the sections on sexual stress, orgasms, or S&M/B&D. My mom reads my blog. This is just one example of what Dave Chappelle, Ron White and a number of other people have already riffed on. I’m certainly no expert. Hell, my doctor recently asked me how’s my libido and I naively replied that since I wasn’t having sex, I assumed it was just fine.

 

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