The Horrible Agony of Sitting Still

When the man I thought was my friend told me
he was moving backwards, not forwards
I had a sucker in my mouth
This slid a dagger across my gut

“Sorry, Ahab. You’re here for the duration!”
He said.

I’ve seen guys come and go
That’s fine
I’ve tried to set a good example
For the new guys, so green they’re flourescant
I’ve tried to be of a good cheer, to help if I could

“He’s a joke. He’s a squatter.”
No job, no school, no life.
And yes, I know that guy just moved back home, too.
That doesn’t soften the weight of the anvil
Hanging over my head
The weight of shame
The cold bucket of courage squelching water
That waits around every corner of this house in His grip

I’m done with comradery
I’m ready to do this on my own
I gotta start sometime, right?
I can’t live here forever
There’s always going to be a walk, a hotel room, a break-up, an ad
To cry the question “What if?”
I’m strong in this Program, I’m done with being scared
I’m ready to go
Patience is key
Patience because it’s not yet time,
(whatever the goddam reason is; Thanks, God)
To go.

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