Alcoholism Pays Off!

I‘ve been unemployed for going on 2 months now. I never thought I would go this long without a job, but there it is. So far, I’ve completely cleaned out and reorganized the house pantry and today I took disinfectant spray to the garage refrigerator. I never thought I would be this guy. But then, I didn’t think I wouldn’t be this guy either. I guess you could say I’m cleaning bi-polar. At least, I am in my new life. Let’s not talk about the dark years, ‘kay?


But it’s all or nothing with me. Sure, I got accustomed to doing regular cleaning as per the house rules. And when Tim made Matt the chore coordinator, I winced. But it was actually a good idea because the house is cleaner than it has been in many, many months. The man would think the sterilization that occurs before major surgery is half-assing it. So when I took it upon myself to do major household tasks like cleaning out and reorganizing the pantry, it was partly because I needed to keep my mind occupied and partly because when you live with an ever-shifting cast of 11 guys, there’s no telling what you will dig up. The amount of dry cereal and abandoned rice alone has kept many a recovering alcoholic in palatable food for at least a week around here. So when I made the decision to clean out the house garage, I knew I’d find some valuables. I had no idea it would be a bumper crop!

Let’s start with the scarf.



I’m not a big scarf guy. But I am always game to adorn myself with slightly quirky garments that raise a few eyebrows yet also serve a function. Is it quality? Cashmere, baby. Is it stylish? Depends on your standards. But is it just right for my overall look and would it go awesome with my black leather jacket and maybe one of those old-timey hats that provide no warmth but are also stylish. Yes, yes it would.

Then there is the blanket. It’s one of those stadium blankets for putting over yours and your sweetie’s legs when you are at the football game and its wicked snowing.



Do I like football enough to actually test this theory out? Not even remotely. Do I care at all about the Texas Longhorns? See previous answer. However, will it come in handy for Shakespeare on the Green or Jazz on the Green or really anything on the Green? Damn right it will. And it’s fleece, so it would also fit snugly around me and my sweetie’s shoulders. Once I find a sweetie.

Then there are the shorts.



Only 2 of the 4 pairs are actually labeled. But they just happen to be my size waist exactly. The others I will try on when they come out of the wash (they are in there right now with the blanket. I mean, they did come out of the garage, so a good washing was totally necessary). And if those two pairs don’t fit, well, I’m still two pairs up, so suck it. Then there’s the coffee maker.



I know, coffee makers are el cheapo and why wouldn’t I just spring for a brand new one, right? Well, I could, but this one looks pretty swank and if it works, it gives the impression that I take my coffee very seriously. Which is good, because I do take coffee very seriously. Tea too.  And right next to it is a small stone that looks exactly like the stone I picked up when I visited Walden Pond (think Henry David Thoreau) in New England. I’m pretty sure I still have the original rock in my storage unit but if I don’t, well I still have the story of when I visited the pond (it’s really not much more than a large ditch today) but dammit, the story is what matters. But the granddaddy find was this little number.



I could care less about the dual cassette decks, good luck even finding those anymore. But I know the turntable will come in handy one day. Plus, a guy with a turntable in his living room with a couple old-timey speakers just screams “This gentleman appreciates antiquity and has a taste for the vintage. Like Stevie Wonder on vinyl or maybe Barry White.  I know, total chick magnet territory.


See, I posted recently on this blog about how I was tired of being alone. Coincidentally, I’m reading a book by one of my favorite authors right now that details his courtship of his current wife. And this guy and I have many things in common, but this one specifically. We both want a woman to share our lives with after many, many years of doing the whole love thing way wrong. Last night, I closed up the book and took to my knees to say my prayers for the night (as Stephen King writes in his new book Doctor Sleep, which is pretty much a King novel written in the skeleton of AA and which I’m also reading, my alcoholism brought me to my knees, so I need to start there) and I uttered one simple request. “God, deliver to me my Maria.” As it is said over and over in the Program, one should never pray for God to give you anything unless it can help other alcoholics. I know I’m not going “back out” again (that’s AA code for drinking or using again). I have a big heart, I’m working on humility, and want to share what I have with another person. I’ll take a Mastiff or a Newfie in the short-run after I move out of this house, but would like it to be with a woman too.


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