One false move and I’ll intellectual copy write the hell outta this idea. Go ahead, try me.
So it’s a pretty simple idea, one of those ideas that I’m surprised nobody has tried yet. Actually, it’s entirely possible someone has tried it and it failed abysmally, but I, of course, would do it better. It’s called Dogopoly. I’m not married to the name, but I can’t think of a better one now. I mean Dog (as in Life) would be too simple and, I don’t know, somehow too existential. Dogs and Ladders wouldn’t really fit with the possible vague undertones of animal abuse it could carry with it, not to mention the seaming discrimination it would carry for (or maybe it would be against) Dalmatians. Actually, most Dalmatians are so inbred they probably wouldn’t care, but their owners might, which would seriously effect profit margins among that crowd. Sorry, Dog! wouldn’t work as it would be based on the concept of dogs going back to Home, which is where most dogs really want to be anyway, and so completely defeat the purpose of the game. So we’ll go with Dogopoly for now until I come up with something better.
So y’know how there’s like a thousand different versions of the game Monopoly ? Actually, I just checked and there’s 150 or so, including Petopoly. Whatever. My idea would be cooler and here’s why…
Crap. I looked online further and there already is a Dogopoly. Well, popped that balloon, didn’t we? See the problem is, especially with the dog and cat industry, you have an idea, and chances are it’s already been done. Dogopoly is a great example. Alright, well, I’ll disclose another idea I have had, and this one I’m almost certain no one has done it yet. But here again, one of the names I came up with has already been taken, too. The name I thought of first was Bark Box. And there’s a service by that name you can order that delivers all kinds of dog treats to your door every month, like the Cheese of the Month Club from the movie Vacation. So I had another idea for a title: Leave It!
The problems I had were how would I market it and how elaborate should the design be. I was thinking is it would be an affordable but effective home security system. Imagine you are a single adult woman, or you have young children, or you have an especially rambunctious teen you would like to reign in. So you install Leave It! on your property (In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, Leave It! plays on the concept of teaching the command to a dog, but instead the home intruder would have to leave it because of Leave It! I know, I’m pretty clever when I want to be). It’s an apparatus of motion detectors and speakers. One would set up the motion detectors on one’s window frames and doorways and if an intruder decides to invade one’s property, when they set off the motion detector, the sound of a huge dog like a Dane or an Akita emanates from the speakers, thereby scaring the bejeezus out of anyone attempting to enter or exit. And I could sell various packages for Leave It!, from the single family home or duplex/townhome model, to a more elaborate network of detectors and speakers that would span a multi-acre property. Leave Its! could be set up all around the fence lines and gates and emit a variety of different sounds too. But you would have to stick to dogs only. I mean seriously, how many potential burglars are really going to believe it if they hear the sound of a lion or a cougar growling? It would be a great product to market at trade shows for the consumer that wants the security of their property being protected by vicious, bloodthirsty killers but without the trouble of feeding or cleaning up dog poop (And yes, I’ve checked and there are already people who market the service of cleaning up dog poop to those who don’t want to do it. See what I mean about the whole “it’s been done” central rule?)
And dig this. Even if you already have dogs like Terriers or Bichons or whatever, you could still install the Leave It! system because those guys have high-strung, turd dog yipping barks that scare absolutely no one. The problem with that, however, is it would seriously confuse the dogs and they would probably take out some drywall or wood framework attempting to get to the speakers emitting the barks. Or, God forbid, you already have a Dane or Akita but they are too old and/or lazy to put up much of fight, but the Leave It! system would definitely confuse them and probably cause some PTSD if used regularly over time. I mean, imagine you turned on your Leave It! system and left for the day and it’s a really windy day and a tree branch or something falls in such a way that it ends up propping up against a fence and activating the Leave It! system all day while you are at work. Not only could you very well induce shock in your dog and they could die, but you would also seriously piss off your neighbors and good luck explaining away that one at the Neighborhood Association meeting.
It has occurred to me that I could save myself the time and money I would invest in research and development on Leave It! and just come up with some crappy, “Made in Laos” model and market it to places like Spencer Gifts or Uncle Frumpy’s Party Supply, but I have scruples and don’t want to make my first million capitalizing on the gullibility of the consumer or the “gag gift” niche. Also, I have this vision of me manning my booth at the Global Pet Expo and, after blowing all my money on the 8×14 ft. Leave It! banner I would hang behind my corner booth (I mean let’s face it, if I am going to do this I should do it right so I would need to come up with that kind of money for the banner and corner booth given that this is not an essential item and I would need all the exposure I can get) and, after the first day of the trade show, I’ve received no interest at all in the Leave It! system and I end up at the Applebee’s across the street from the venue just completely leaping off the wagon with a strawberry daiquiri or a Busch Lite because that’s the only booze I can afford after the banner and the booth. So now I’m broke and drunk and penniless in Topeka and I have to pawn my IPod for bus fare home. So yeah, there’s still a few holes in my plan.
Now that I’m thinking about it, this is all academic anyway. Someone has probably come up with the idea and it’s already in the works or it’s on the market as I speak by another name. Maybe I’ll stick to trying this veterinary assistant gig. Seems like a safer bet.