Open Letter to a Classmate

All due respect, but you seriously need to shut up. Just, please, stop talking. You and I paid the same amount of U.S. dollars to attend these classes, so I feel I have the right to tell you this. If you don’t stop trying to relate every damn thing we talk about in every class to you and your horse, I feel it is my right, according to the bylaws of the college, to water board you if you open your mouth.


Please don’t misinterpret what I am saying. From what I can tell, you seem to be a nice person. And your story about being a manager at McDonalds and telling the guy at the drive thru where he could go was amusing. I laughed a little. But here’s the thing: If you haven’t noticed, very few of our tests or quizzes have pertained to the care of horses. At all. I realize I live in Nebraska and go to school in Iowa and the care of horses and cows and all manner of ruminants is necessary for the completion of the program. But the majority of the your fellow students, myself included, will be working with dogs and cats in veterinary practices. Where you keep certain vaccinations at your stable, what you do for a horse with a bum leg, or what kind of freakin’ oats you feed them is not. Please, zip it.


Even the doc appears to have had enough and seems to be inserting into the lectures various jabs at horses just to piss you off. That one day when you interrupted, yet again, the flow of the lecture to share one of your ever-so-mundane stories? I think I actually saw a few blood vessels burst in his nose. If it hasn’t been made apparent yet, and it has, the good doctor has a particular flow to his lectures and the only person he likes to derail that flow is himself. And you know what? He has every right to do that because he is teaching the class. You are not teaching the class. So please, as a service to me and all the other girls who have ponied up (yes, I said “pony’) hard earned money to take these courses, please be quiet.


I weep for the future. If I somehow progress to the next semester and you are still here, I might be a little more vocal in my objections to you running your trap all the time. Oh, I should add, the main reason I moved to the study area down the hall instead of remaining in the atrium of the building is because you will not stop yapping. When you are approaching classmates that have their noses in books or are closely consulting Power Point presentations, you should not, I repeat should not, see that as an invitation for you to walk up, plop your bag down, and start yammering away about how prepared your classmates might be for the upcoming test/quiz/lab. Here’s a trick, you might try it. As Craig Ferguson once said, before you speak, ask yourself 1) Does this need to be said 2) Does this need to be said now 3) Does this need to be said now by me. If the answer to any one of those questions is “no”, or if you completely forget what you were going to say anyway after asking these questions of yourself, be a dear and for the love of all that is decent and holy, shut your bloody mouth.


See ya in class!

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